... is what an old colleague told me over the phone today. I don't really know how to interpret that yet. I sort of responded with, "oh yeah..." I feel like I've missed something here.
Today, this hour, I feel horrible. I haven't taken any meds - I have been anti-depressant-free since October 2007, and it's been... ok. I haven't had a cigarette since last night. I could kick over a 2mo old infant if it was holding a cigarette. Through the course of this day, I have been surrounded by many infants. None of them have come bearing gifts of tobacco.
I bail on people. Not just friendships, but real romantic-like relationships. I really cock those last ones up. The connection that's supposed to make you feel something, the best I can manage is to build it up and then throw it away. I've done it once and I felt awful. I never said sorry, but I am. We've reconnected - purely as friends - and I feel like such a cunt because I can't put my apology into a coherent sentence because I can't think straight and I'm absolutely convinced that, at best, I'm an asshole.
I'm a really selfish person. That sucks to know.
I can't think straight. I'm stressed. I'm too proud and stubborn and I know I'm not making much sense which means (to me) that it's time to get some control and order in my life again. I don't know what that means... balls?
PS. I make half-apologies for the self-indulgent whingefest nature of this post. It's my blog, nyeh, and I feel like a wang that has been pulled wide open at the dickhole and stuffed with shell grit and lemonjuice. That's how horrible I feel inside and outside right now.
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2 comments:
I'm sure he forgives you. I'm sure he still really cares about you. And, I'm sure he doesn't want you to feel bad.
Actually, he may very well hate you. I know that sucks to know, but that's the shit thing about being on the receiving end of a craptastic finale to a relationship.
The thing to remember is, everything in life just builds you for your next step. You take your lessons and adjust accordingly.
I'm actually very terrible about making the right decisions after situations like that. I'm all about extremes. I love hard, I hate hard, I laugh hard, and yes, I even cry hard. So it's hard for me to just take the sedate approach to some situations.
I'm sorry I missed this blog. I haven't been very good lately at keeping up with people in my life. I'm also sorry I couldn't really make this a digital pat on the back. I'm just honest to the point of fucking things up. You already know this of me though.
Chin up, Rina. I've been told everything will work out as it's supposed to.
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