years is a long time. I spent most of today reflecting on who I was and what I believed in and it's the closest I feel to regret. It was also the second biggest thing to happen in my life and is almost a direct consequence of the first. Neither are hardly the best, but the best came out of them and everything I did, do, or will do is connected. Which is why I dedicate today to reflection. There is nothing else.
I thought I'd be able to deal with work if nobody new what today means to me, but I am finishing my shift now and can barely hold it together. I woke up happy and grateful, but snapped it at a patient who was too nosy. He's always nosy. I feel bad for telling him to piss off, but I don't feel like I should have to explain why I'm not smiling today. I really feel like I'm stuck in a Seven Stages washer/dryer. It's been manageable in parts, exhausting in some, but mainly painful.
I am thankful and I'm learning to let a lot of it go, but the hurt never goes away.
Don't I look the scholar with my scholarly template?
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3 comments:
There is a lot in my past I could be scornful of to this day, but I'm not.It was the hardest lesson I've ever learned. Real forgiveness. To forgive my mother for lying to me for 26 years about my father. To forgive Shannon for cheating on me and stealing my future. To forgive the guy who sliced me with a scalpel.
Maybe it seems like a bunch of bullshit, but the hurt can go away. I don't want you to hurt, Q.
I thought I had forgiven, but I've come to realise that I'm nowhere near ready to do that yet. I think a part of me still needs to hurt a bit to pull myself out of lesser situations, or at least to remain positive. When you're at rock bottom, the only way is up. :)
I'm with you, hon.
I am not resentful and I try my best not to hold on to hate, but forgiveness can only be bestowed upon someone if the person/s who have hurt you truly repent/s.
I can't stand the idea that if someone is incapable of forgiveness for things that are truly heinous they are somehow a lesser person. Some things can never be forgiven, but the experience can help you help others and make changes for the better in the world. The latter is of more importance than forgiveness in some cases.
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